Satire: Love advice


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Nobody wants to spend Valentine’s Day alone. It’s a hard time for the single men and women of the world. Sometimes people need advice on how to approach someone. That’s why I’m here.

The first step in a successful romance is to know where and how long to look. The searching phase can seem daunting for someone that doesn’t have love, but I promise that it will come to you if you’re looking.

You may discover that just asking your potential partner out is not easy. Sometimes, in order to convince your partner to date you, you need to get inside their head. There’s no better way to do this than finding out what they like. Ask around, find your partner’s friends and ask some basic questions. Don’t ask more than the basics, though. It’s very easy to look like you’re “strange” when you’re asking someone about their friend’s favorite food.

The Internet is a great place to go. You can learn what your partner is involved in, best movies, their favorite sports teams, their social security numbers, their bank account passwords (remember those, you’ll need them later).

Now, what to do if your partner has a lover or some other complication. These kinds of problems need to be fixed before you can move forward. Lovers are simple enough. They don’t have the true love that you have for your partner, so most of them won’t even try to stick around after a couple blackmail attempts.

Generally, if your partner’s lover doesn’t leave after the blackmail, they will after the first beating. When they’re coming home at night is always a time when the least witnesses are around to stop you from showing your love.

Then it comes time for asking your partner out for the first date. Hopefully, they’ll say “yes.” Sadly, most of the time you’ll need to show them the kind of work that your love has driven you to. You can say the things that nobody else knows about them. Things that even they thought they had buried. They’ll just know you have a connection after that.

Partners may try to leave or escape at this stage. This is another point where your research comes in handy. Without money, how is your partner going to be able to leave the town? They’re not getting out of your reach.

There’s always a fall back plan in case something goes wrong.  I’ve had to use this one myself several times. If you have a basement inside your house, then the simple solution if all else fails is to bring your partner to the basement and make them stay until they understand the glory of your true love. My wife eventually understood, even if the screams annoyed me early on.

Why just talk to someone, when you can learn everything about them? You can weave a perfect web so you know exactly what’s coming and nobody else has any say at all.  You don’t have to be friendly, kind, or have some kind of connection. If you need to make sure everything goes absolutely perfect, why not fish up some teeny, tiny bank account numbers?

Editor’s note: This article was submitted by an anonymous student. 

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