Your University, Your News, Your Life

The Spur

Most students raised in education cannot survive the wild

Advertisement

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






A shocking new study reveals that most humans, when taken from the wild at a young age and raised in an indoor, simulated, educational environment, do not stand a chance when released to live on their own in the wild.

Bardford Stout, a professor at Façade University in Brussels, was the head researcher on the project. It examined the lives of 400 specimen raised in an academic environment.

Stout reported the casualty rate to be much higher than what his team predicted in their initial hypothesis.

“We were thinking a few of the specimen would perish due to various causes, but we didn’t expect this,” Stout said. “Within the first week, specimen were slowly walking through crosswalks, citing a hope for their tuition to be paid. That behavior seems to be left over as a survival instinct the specimen developed from their time in educational captivity.”

Stout noted a myriad of unexpected causes creating casualties among his studied population.

A few students were reported to have dropped dead from brain aneurisms when they witnessed a man in a coffee shop make a political claim about the cost of the proposed U.S.-Mexico border wall without citing his sources.

A lack of nutrition in the students’ diets was another unexpected cause of the fatalities.

“We had full grown adults who were trying to survive off of two packets of ramen noodles a day,” Stout said. “It’s another behavior they seem to have picked up from their lives in the educational system, although I’m really not sure how they survived as long as they did in captivity with those kind of diets.”

The purpose of the study was to raise several million students per year in a controlled environment and release them out into the wild. In many ecosystems, the educated are an endangered species.

Stout also noted a curious behavior common among this studied population.

The students would congregate in large groups at the end of the week and consume massive amounts of poisoned drink together at a structure they deemed a “bar.”

This also seemed to be the locale where specimens found their mates by initiating an awkward, unsteady dance while attempting to sing along to the blaring music in slurred words.

Stout reported that these activates were probably bad for the subjects’ senses of hearing, liver, and overall pride when videos were posted on social media the next day.

“The behaviors we observed among students in an uncontrolled environment were often negative to their overall health. This study has only been going on for a year and we have already lost 50% of our studied population.

“Anything from over exertion while job searching, to dying of shame when their graduation thesis was called ‘lame AF’ and ‘mired by a substandard level of research’ by their peers, to sticking a fork in a toaster to try to retrieve their Poptart, killed them,” Stout said.

Stout’s study has concluded that the wild is an unsuitable environment for those raised in educational captivity, and the best solution for them is to just never graduate and stay in their controlled environments where they can safely party forever.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Your University, Your News, Your Life
Most students raised in education cannot survive the wild